conversation with him

Hello guys!  I woke up on Thursday morning and was going to get ready to head out but something very strong and I will say weird came over me. I picked up my laptop and started writing though I had no idea what I was writing and why. It felt like it wasn't me writing it. God knew I would need encouragement later during the day, that's why he had me write that earlier. I hope you get encouraged as I did. Don't forget to share and encourage one or two person (s). Have a beautiful weekend darlings and happy father's day to all the awesome dad's out there.  I will be back on Monday so watch this space 😚
    There is a link to a song that encourages me at the end of the piece.
                                    ******
“You are worthless, so very worthless”, that’s what I have been told all my lifetime
 "You are not important. You will never amount to anything in life”, I have been told that too when I don’t get something right
I am treated like I’m nothing, like I’m a waste
That’s what my life has been about. That’s what I know
I know I am worthless
I know no matter how hard I try, I will never produce good results because nothing good can come out of me.
Oh my child, haven’t you heard I don’t make inferior products?
Haven’t you heard that you have a life so precious in my sight I died that you may live?
Haven’t you heard?

I can’t go on. I don’t know how to
The pain is too much. The trial is beyond my strength
I am a failure. I fail at everything, everything.
I can never do anything right
If I can, why did he leave me?
Why did she leave me?
I have nothing to offer to the world.
Oh my child, this pain… this trial
Don’t you know they are for the building up of your faith?
Don’t you know they are meant to make you stronger?
If they leave, have I told you I am leaving?
Have I?

I have tried and tried but it never works out
I am not strong or courageous
I can’t keep fighting, I can’t keep holding on
I don’t know how to
I don’t know how to get back up after falling
I have no strength to do that, no strength to fight them
I am all alone. Grounded, crushed and crumpled
All alone… No strength to even fight
Oh my child, why do you act like you don’t have me?
Why do you insult me by not leaning on my strength?
Of course you can’t do it alone, nobody can
Don’t you know that’s why you have me?
Haven’t I told you I won’t leave you without a comforter?
Didn’t you see me fight the battles of the Israelites for them?
Don’t you think I am the same God yesterday, today and forever?
Have you forgotten I am the ‘I AM THAT I AM’, the Omnipresent God?

Won’t you be like Esther who with the boldness she had in me went in the presence of King Ahaseurus though he didn’t call her? Though he might have slain her life
Won’t you be like her that tried anyway?
What happened to her? She found favor
So why won’t you take that step? Why won’t you try even if you are not sure you will succeed?
Do you know my son, Job?
Do you know what he went through?
Yet, he trusted me. He trusted me enough to lean on me knowing I am the God that never leaves his own
I am the God that his children are never put to shame.
You are depressed. Don’t you think he was too?
Be depressed, feel like you can’t go on but don’t dwell on the feelings
Because I am with you, now and until the end of the world
Won’t you trust that I have you?

Have you forgotten I love you?
So you think no one loves you. You think you are worthless to the world
Have you forgotten I love you even when you can’t love yourself?
Have you forgotten I chose you? A royal priesthood, a peculiar person
Oh my child, do you think David would have slain Goliath if he relied on his strength?
Who do you think gave him all the confidence he would need?
My child, stand bold. Walk because you are the son of a king
I am with you, no matter what
No matter what my child.

Won’t you allow me your ashes so you can have my beauty?
Do you think I ever forget my own?
Look at your brother Paul and Silas. Didn’t I deliver them in that prison?
Didn’t I deliver Daniel from the lion’s den and put his enemy there?
Didn’t I deliver the three Hebrew brothers from the hand of king Nebuchadnezzar?
Haven’t you heard that if I am for you, no one can be against you?
Haven’t you heard that eyes have not seen, nor ears heard the plans that I have for you my beloved?
Why won’t you just ask me? Ask me what you need!
When you ask your earthly father for bread, will he give you stone?
How much more your heavenly father
Haven’t you heard? Ask and it shall be given unto you.
Oh my child, I am waiting for you to just ask

Yes, you have asked me and I haven’t answered?
But don’t you know I have a plan?
Don’t you know I have a hope and future for you?
Don’t you know I know the right time to give you what you ask for?
Don’t you know I allow the trial for a reason?
To fire you up and rebrand you. To make you stand as a rock for me
Don’t you know you never lose anything when you are in me?
Don’t you know I will restore all the years that the locust and canker worms have destroyed?
Don’t you know I am in the midst of you and you shall never be put to shame?
Didn't I give Job a double portion of what he lost?
So why are you fretting?
Why are you acting like you have no father?
Why are you acting like I am not still in control?

No matter what you are going through, don’t you know I’m there?
Don’t you know I care?
Don’t you know I won’t allow you to be tried beyond the measure I know you can take?
Don’t you know I’m working behind the scenes?
Oh my child, I make today better than yesterday!
I make testimonies out of your trials!
Don’t you know the Egyptians you see today, you shall see no more?
Don’t you know my grace is sufficient for you?
You say you are weak. Don’t you know my strength is made perfect in your weakness?

You think I can’t accept you anymore because of all the things you have done
You feel dirty. You feel worthless. You feel you are beyond redemption.
Remember the woman that was caught committing adultery
Remember what I told he
“Neither do I condemn thee. Go and sin no more”, so my child, go and sin no more
No matter what you do, I love you. Just find your way back to me
I am here always with an open arm. Always my child, always…
Have you forgotten the story of the prodigal son who demanded for his share of his father’s wealth?
Who squandered all the money and had to start sharing food with pigs
Didn’t he think to himself that the maids in his father’s house are treated better?
Didn’t he go back home and beg for his father’s forgiveness?
Didn’t his father order a feast to  be made for him; the prodigal son returns?
My child, why won’t you return to me?
Why won’t you see the better life I am offering you?
Why won’t you stop letting people devalue you when I hold you in such high esteem?
You are strong enough to fight the abuse
You are not what people say you are. You are what I, your maker says you are
Why are you still moving with pigs when I have a mansion for you here with me?

Oh my child, look at your brother Paul, then Saul of Tarsus
Didn’t he persecute my people?
Yet, I took him in
You are not beyond redemption
I have deposited something in you even before your birth
Don’t ever let anyone tell you, you have nothing. You will amount to nothing in life.
You are my product and no matter what, you will be fine
Because I, your manufacturer is with you always.
Always my child. Don’t ever think my silence means I have left you
Just live right by me
When it’s not working out, hold on my child. I need you to hold on just a little longer because I have already worked it out for you

In the midst of the storm, be still my child. Just be still

Download still in control

My bathroom experience

Hello darlings, how was your weekend? you can tell me all about your weekend in the comment box. I wrote this post on Thursday but, didn't post it then because I want to be consistent with the posting days which is either Sunday or Monday.

You should check the post after this one. It was written by a friend that doesn't believe she is a writer but, who I actually learn how to write from. It's an interesting one and it might sound fictitious but, its the real deal. you should totally share the links to your friends and on your twitter pages, facebook, BBM and whatever social media's you use. you can follow me on twitter @mateyscott

I will be posting a long but very interesting article tittled 'why i like Boko Haram' during the week. so watch this space. 
                                   To the world, Adios!!!

I was doing something and I was smiling. A deep smile of satisfaction and joy. A smile that really resembled my baby, Shikemi’s smile (I didn’t take a picture so I couldn’t see the smile but, I could feel it and it felt just like her smile makes me feel) A smile of ‘Mayowa, this is it; you are going somewhere’. I discovered I couldn’t concentrate on what I was doing so I stopped doing it and I started writing this. I just have to write to capture this moment. Not because I don’t think I won’t have more moments like this but because, I know there is something special about this smile, about this particular moment.

A day ago, I had a beautiful shower experience. I sometimes take long in the bathroom, just letting that cold or sometimes hot water run through not just my body, but my whole system. I let it cleanse me and I exist in a depth of solitude; just listening to my heart and silently talking to God and listening to him build me. It’s always a beautiful and refreshing experience for me. Yesterday, I had one of those moments. It was unplanned, it really was. I was going to go in and rush out because I had somewhere to be and I was already late but no, my whole being got hooked in the shower. Some days before that, I was feeling discouraged about something I have been pursuing for quite a while. Remember this post struggle in finishing, I got inspired after writing that and forged ahead thinking to myself that the battle was complete, the journey was over, not knowing at the time that the journey had just begun. So I’m embarking on this journey (I have amazing people journeying along with me for which I am very grateful for) that I really didn’t think would be a long one initially; my energy was getting sapped; the determination and excitement were dwindling but, with God and those beautiful souls, I still kept pushing ahead fighting with the whirlwind, letting it know I won’t let it carry me to a place I won’t like. I was getting to a very low point, Mayowa couldn’t find the well from which she usually draws her strength from and she was just ready to give up or just watch without doing anything. That is still giving up because I believe once you are not doing anything to change a situation, you don’t have to throw your hands up in the air and announce you have given up before you know you have given up. I was still going to give up when I stepped into the shower but, I came out energized.

I don’t know how many minutes I spent in the shower and honestly, I don’t care. I can’t even explain what took over (God does have way of giving us ropes to hang  on to when we feel we can’t hold on any longer), he gave me a rope that I don’t even think I asked for. I was silent as I had my bath but my mind was far from being silent. It was telling me; ‘You have gone too far to quit now. It’s the darkest before dawn Mayowa. You have gone too far; stop being a brat and just continue. Finish what you have started. It’s not like you are using your strength to do it anyway; you are relying on God and he hasn’t told you he is tired of carrying your weight’. I left the shower bustling with energy, ‘Yes! I can totally do this. I’m going to have such a great day’ and I was convinced. I was happy and it remained like that till about one hour or so later when I decided to continue embarking on the journey. Discouragement hit me so hard I couldn’t explain where it came from, I still can’t. So instead of channeling the positive energy I had before into getting closer to my destination (which still seems shaky and far ahead), I questioned myself and I questioned my journey. I wanted to cry but, as a big girl, I couldn’t cry in public (fine girls don’t cry in public. Errr… keep your opinions to yourself. I choose to believe I am fine). So I did what I do a lot; I spoke to God silently in my mind and I made a friend my sounding board. I really appreciate the fact that he didn’t talk, he just listened to me talk and that kind of helped in doing the trick. After pouring everything out to him including the fact that I felt like a failure and for the first time, I wasn’t sure I could push through and I actually saw no reason to push through, I went to a quiet place where no one was and I cried; Silent tears which have a deeper meaning for me. After crying, I just kept staring outside. I didn’t have my bathroom experience there but, I had something good enough to motivate me.

I set back to work with more drive, hope and faith. To top it all, I read a post by moyo who has an entry hit me hard with your best shot for the series. The bible passage in her post did it for me. 

“No trial has overtaken you, except what is common to man, and God is faithful; he will not let you be tried beyond what you can bear but with the trial will also provide a way out of it so that you may be able to endure it” ~1 corinthians 10:13

… and so I was and I’m still very sure I will be just fine and it will be more than just fine; my journey will end too beautifully and when it does, I will share it with you. My friend that I made my sounding board at the time later called me and said words that lifted my spirit. Words that resonated with the bible passage. Words that assured me I am on the right track because if I’m not, it will be too easy and my testimony will be too tiny.

Back to now, Thursday, 22^nd of May 2014, I am still smiling and I can’t stop. Not only am I smiling physically but my whole being is still smiling and I know it will keep smiling even when doubts sets in, even when it’s not smooth  and it doesn’t look like it will work out as soon as I want it to. It will keep smiling because I’m choosing to smile. I’m choosing to be careless in God’s care like my beautiful Dhuppy once wrote. I’m choosing to let my friends sometimes be my sounding board and I’m choosing to let some beautiful souls in to help pull me up when I can’t seem to do it. After all, that’s one of the beauties of true friendships.

I don’t know who is going to read this but I know whoever will read it will have something he/she needs a little push to keep going, to hang in just there. Darling, God never gives us more than we can handle and with whatever is going on with us, we can choose to create a reality distinct from the physical one we are seeing and everyone else can see. We can create a reality that we have total control over and that reality is the type that we will create in our minds. Our minds where we can be kings, dreamers, conquerors. Our mind that we can stock up with faith, determination, hope, optimism, fortitude. The reality in our mind can swallow our physical reality. Hang in there honey. I’m already smiling on your behalf.