Entry 8... Hey Stranger!

Hello guys!!! firstly, I want to apologise for my unannounced absence. To the beautiful people that have tried to call me, message me and the likes, i will get back to you soon. I hope to be a more consistent blogger. Actually, I plan on being one.

This is the last of the series (i dont want you to know that.., i want you to know that...) and I'm so sorry. I know I have dragged it on for too long and that's due to lack of proper planning. I promise to do better next time as there will soon be something similar.

With that said, this last one is definitely one of my favourites and it was written by someone that has such a heart, a very good one. A friend indeed and an intelligent being with a mind that will blow your own mind.  I can really relate with this entry and I know you will too. So please, don't be the only one to laugh and learn from it. Share it too and let's help spread the message of self love and acceptance.

Have an amazing week and do watch this space.

****** 

Hey you! … Yes you… Stranger –From –Across –The –Room,​​
You’​re so pretty. You look really cool in that I –Don’t –Try –Yet –I –Look –Flawless kind of way.​​

As I sit across the room from you, I wonder if you notice me trying to look cool​ and all​.​ Hopefully I’m ​comi​ng off as sophisticated.​ Hope I’m not coming off as stiff? ​Or worse yet a snob?​ Or do I simply look cold?​​

Can you feel all the sexiness I’m oozing out? ​Lol​! A girl can try right? I was trying to go for that hot, laid back look but I think I kind of missed that and just went straig​ht for the hobo look. I don’t want you to notice how unsure of my outfit I am.​​

It’s really quiet in here as we wait to be seen to. I don’t know ​what to do with myself and once again I hope you don’t​ notice. Can you tell I care a little too much about how I'm perceived by people? I look ​at you and think to myself “We could be friends if we actually spoke to each other.”​ Maybe even good friend’s but ​I have to warn you that I doubt I will ever completely open up to you because there ​are​ some things I won’t want you to know.​​

I DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW that the nonchalant front I put up is just a cover for how scared I am. I don’t want you to know that a lot of things scare me and make me worry. If we become friends, at some point you’ll ask how I’m so carefree about things that make you worry and should probably make me worry as well. And I’ll most likely reply you in a funny way about how I try not to think about it. We’ll laugh about it and another topic will come up. I once heard a quote, “You can live with anything as long as you don’t think too hard too hard about it” and that’s what I probably what I do. When reality catches up to me, and it always hits me hard, I break down and cry to God and look for comfort and a solution from Him.​​

I don’t want you to know that I’m a whiner that I complain a lot. I whine to God, to my mum, to my sister. I don’t want you to know of the mini breakdowns I’ve had in the privacy of my room or in the co​mpany of my​ family. And not because I want to give you the illusion that I’m always strong, it’​s because my complaints​ and mini breakdowns have been about stupid, silly and trivial things. I’ve had several mini breakdowns about my boobs being to​o​ big and my mum being so mean to have passed it down to me. I’ve had ones about my big feet, ​my small ass, ​being too tall, ​not finding dresse​s that look good on me​ or jeans that fit properly​. I don’t want you to know that I had a hard time accepting that this is the body God wante​d me to have.​ I still send prayers for a change her​e,​a tweak there and definitely some growth over back there.​​

I don’t want you to know how I have issues with being good enough to be loved. How I always feel like I have to be more, do more, have more, get more or ju​st be different, special.​ ​My parents are great and I don’t blame them completely but they probably damaged me in a way (Like all parents do) that made me feel unworthy of unconditional ​love, like I had to work for their love, which​ always made me desperately want to be special. For a very long time I didn’t understand the co​ncept of unconditional love. I look at my friends and so many times I feel I’m unworthy of their friendship and love.​​

Talking about love, I don’t want you to know that I’m scared that I don’t know how to love and that’s why I don’t really say the words “I love you” a lot, because I’m not sure I know what love looks or feels like to be given. I’m scared I don’t even know how to be a good friend anymore and I so desperately want to​ be one. I have such amazing friends already but I’m scared that as I can’t seem t​o make new ones or ​be a consistent good friend, I might lose them. ​I’m also scared that I can’t accept love except it’s on my terms. I don’t know how to and I’m not sure I want to l​et anyone completely in, ​the way that they’ll know all about me​, that​ I’ll be completely vulnerable with them.​ I’​m scared of what happens​ if they see the whole me and they don’t like what they see and then​ turn and walk out on me.​I ​must tell you I ​hurt very deeply ​and I’m not very fond of pain. So I choose how much to let anybody in and what side of me they get to see. Like Shrek said “I’m like an onion… I have many layers.”​​

I don't want you to know that my fear of intimacy runs deeper than I care to admit. When I think a relationship (friendship) is getting out of my control, like I can consciously feel/see it going places I'm not comfortable with, I start to withdraw. And I don't mean uncomfortable like anything dirty, it could mean something as simple as a person asking too many questions about something I don't want to talk about and they thinking it's okay for them to ask because of our friendship. Me realizing they know far too much about me than I like or the worse when they say "I know you" and I actually see that it might be true. You know when some people say it and you just smile ‘cause you know it's not true. When I can no longer give a placating smile and I don't think the person is the kind of person I want "knowing" me, then I turn and run for the hills or I gradually withdraw. It also happens when I reach a new level of intimacy with my close ones. Even with God, whenever something relatively big happens in our relationship, I kind of withdraw until the moment passes. And that saddens me deeply.  ​
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I don't want you to know how I badly regret my last relationship because of the why. I regret ever entering into it. Because I regret going so far with him physically especially ‘cause I didn't even really like him. I can honestly say it was mostly boredom and lust. If you had met me a few weeks before the relationship you would have heard me talking about purity and all that. I don't completely feel like a hypocrite cause I didn't shove it down anyone's throat but nonetheless I feel really rotten. Okay so technically I am still a virgin but with all stuff I did, I just don't feel like one. But then it's much more than that, and we also seem to be ignorant of the effect it has on the other person. I played with his heart and led him on and it was really hard for him to let go of the relationship even though it had just being for a short time. Although I was slightly bewildered at how hard it was for him, I felt guilty and sad about the hurt I brought him.  "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. (Song of Solomon 2:7 NIV)" That verse is repeated a lot in The Songs of Solomon and do not awaken love or lust because it not only affects you but your partner. I think lust made my brain fuzzy because I just never remembered that verse during the relationship or maybe it was that selective memory thing.

I'm not sure if this falls into stuff I don't want you to know about or if I don't mind you knowing. Well I guess it depends on the kind of friendship we have. I think I might have a narcissistic side, which mostly worries me for obvious reasons but also amuses me cause it kind of contradicts my insecurities. For the longest time I use to wonder why everyone didn't reason like me! This world would never be boring and it would save us from so many wars (I would simply starve out those who cross me :) ) and other problems. If I ever met someone exactly like me I would probably in awe/love struck for life... You know (will get to know) cause I'm like so awesome.

I want you to know that I’m very silly and laid back, borderline lazy and that I have rotten luck which I think is totally unfair, and for that reason I choose not to believe in luck but favour. I don’t mind you knowing that I’m equal measures deep and superficial. I find myself very fascinating and amusing. I will always, well most of the time, have an opinion on whatever we talk about. Plus I enjoy debates. So it's hardly ever boring unless I'm not talking, lol which rarely happens.

I want you to know that I used to be scared of rejection. I would rather not try than fail. I mean if I didn't try I would always have the comfort of well if I had tried who knows how much better this would have been. I always liked the comfort of knowing that since I didn't give it my all then the result I got was not a true testament of my ability. I think there was also a part of me that was scared about if I did give it my all and still failed at it, scared of what that would mean. Well I want you to know that I've grown! I've changed or I'm changing and I'm happy because life is just too short to have any of those regrets disguised as comforts. Especially now, that everyone seems to be dropping dead like flies.

I want you to know that I love being around happy people, people who make me laugh a lot. You know the kind, that if you're with them you know you will be doubled over, clutching your tummy, cause it will be hurting from too much laughter! The kind that the slightest thing, a word, a picture, reminds you guys of a funny memory or even just a glance. I also love being around people who stimulate my mind. That you can have deep meaningful conversations with. Not the kind of depth that claims to be philosophical and you don't even understand what you're talking about. Lol That kind is so overrated. So when I find someone who can do all, “Please marry me!” I kid. You have to be hot.

I don't mind you knowing that I questioned my sexuality at a point in my life. Lol no need for that face! Don't worry I'm sure I like boys! I didn't question it cause of an attraction to girls. I love to talk. And I love when Someone can keep up a sarcastic witty banter with me.  And when someone keeps me constantly laughing. Only a few guys (2/3) have ever given me that. And with a lot of girls there is just an endless supply of it. Always one inside joke or an unending conversation. Maybe it's just my luck that I haven't met a lot of cool guys. Or maybe if I gave them a chance and really got comfortable with them. Or maybe it's the age group. I don't know. All I know is I just generally connected better with girls and felt comfortable with them. So…it made me wonder.

I want you to know that you’ll always get honesty from me, not the blunt rude kind but when you ask for my opinion, you’ll get the h​onest truth as I know it to be. I’ll always encourage you and be there to the best of my ability. I must warn you, I’m an extremist in most of the things I do. Most of the time I’m either black or white, I’m e​ither there or not, in or out. Hardly​, but not ​never​,​ in-between.​​ You mostly either get all or nothing of me.
I want you to know that I hardly ever, if never, say things that I don't mean. I will never give a proper apology if I don't mean it, if it's not sincere. I try my best to keep my serious promises. I don't like to give my words or say stuff I don't mean. Some may call it pride, especially about the apology, but I call it integrity. And I also don't like saying sorry too much because then it cheapens the worth of my sorry. ​

I want you to know that I might not be completely comfortable with my body but I’m getting there and He is helping me. And that I’m daily learning of His unconditional love for me and how it is unending and it never fails.​ I also hope you can tell that my relationship with God means a whole lot to me.

Oh I think you’re about to say something to me….​​
Love,​​
X.​​

******
 So that's my heart poured out on how I see myself. Everyone has their own opinions of themselves and while they think it's honest, most of the time it's much worse than the actual fact or sometimes it's the photoshopped version, 'cause we can't leave out those that live in denial. All I'm basically saying is, accept yourself for who you are, with the flaws and character imperfections. Learn to be comfortable with every part of who you are, the parts that are embarrassing, the parts that are changing and the parts that you are proud of.
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"You're always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company."
Diane Von Furstenberg
"The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself."
Mark Twain
"You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful."
Amy Bloom

Entry 7... A picture of me

Hey! I am a short girl that can have a really sharp mouth. A girl that likes you to look at her and see the things that are well for her and not the things are going wrong and have gone wrong with her. But, there are more beneath my small cat-like eyes, my atimes full smile and my tiny voice. 

         I will rather you think I don’t have image issues and actually, For as long as I can remember, I have been comfortable in my skin. Although there were times I felt lesser when I looked at some people’s pictures but, that feeling was shaken off almost immediately. For a few weeks now, I have been battling with a weight delusion. I am a size six so I am neither skinny nor fat however, I have been feeling fat and my skin is starting to irk me. I am not exactly experiencing a low self esteem; I am just feeling less beautiful in a lot of areas.

Lately, some people I didn’t know on a personal level but felt a connection towards died. I cried when I heard my mum’s best friend’s sister died. Honestly, I don’t know why I cried. Perhaps because my mum was so sad or because she was already getting better and a lot of money was spent on her treatment. I have been writing about death (none are published) more than I have in the past. It has just hit home for me and I am afraid of ‘how it will be’ when it’s my turn. Yes, I’m probably too young to bother my head about things like that but, my mind wonders about it once in a while since the past months. ‘Will I lose my life to cancer, an accident or something totally horrible? Or live a short life?” That also makes me wonder what will be said about me and if I will die after living the life I know I am capable of.

This leads to some of the biggest fears I have. “WILL I HAVE LIVED A FULFILLED LIFE BY THE TIME I DIE?” … I am scared of failing in all spheres of my life. I am scared of failing myself, my family and the world at large. I am also scared of succeeding. I love success but, I wonder if it will change me to someone I won’t recognize in a negative way when the success is a lot. I’m scared I might see a less need for God and I am scared I will stop trying after succeeding. I will be too caught up in nonsense and might see less value in people. “WILL I HAVE TOUCHED THE LIVES OF MANY?” I love helping people see the best in them.  But, will I be too caught up with life happenings to help people?! Will I be financially, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically stable enough years from now to still help people and more importantly, will the terrible happenings in life make me stop seeing the best in people?! “WHAT IF I LIVE AN UNHAPPY LIFE?” … 

Some people say I’m proud (proud in the form having a big ego). But, it’s disguised pride. I am a vulnerable child that hides all that vulnerability beneath walls mis-interpreted as pride. I don’t like you to know I miss you even if I really do because for me, knowing means you sort of have a hold over me. Knowing makes you important and I don’t want you to think you are that important. I don’t like pain; nobody does. So it will take me time to let you get close to me. It will take me years to let you see almost all of me because I don’t think I can ever let you see all of me. I don’t like pain and when it’s not as it used to be or as it should be, when you leave or do things that make me question my sanity for letting you in, its pain. 

I can’t stand dirt. It’s bad because a times, my day can be ruined when everything is not arranged and tidy. I toned down on the cleanliness thing for a bit but now, it’s getting bad again. So I don’t want you to know I have this problem and I literally can’t stand it when things are not organized and sparkling. It’s worse that I am hard to please and I can really be a control freak. No, I do not have obsessive compulsive disorder.

I AM NOT STRONG. Contrary to what I have been told, I am a disguised chicken that tries to put on a smile so you won’t ask me ‘what is wrong?’ There are days when happiness is unachievable for me no matter how hard I try. There are days when I cry for the silliest reasons and I feel so alone even when I am surrounded by people.

I often wonder if I will be courageous enough to fight for what is right assuming I don’t lose sight of what is right or if I will turn my bold voice to tiny whispers and just roll with the crowd.

This is something I might never have told anyone but, here it is …There are days I really wish I am not a deep thinker; I am a very social person and I can easily relate with just anyone. I see some of my friends who are able to party really hard, able to talk to anyone, do things without thinking too much about it or looking at the moral and religious aspects and I become jealous … “why can’t I just make-out with anyone? Why can’t I just dress anyhow? Why is sex a big deal to me?” But, I’m happy I see sex as a big deal and I only hope it will remain a big deal until a ring is put on this beautiful finger.

The biggest fear I presently have is losing my writing ability. There are some days I ask myself, ‘do I have one more story in me?!’ I often wonder if my work is good enough for people to read. My blog or writing talent is just a waste; nobody gets inspired. I read some people’s stories or articles and I think, “Will I ever be that good?” “Do I have what it takes to be that good?”

***

I am screaming and I hope you can hear me … I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP. Not when I’m surrounded by failure and disappointment. Not when I have been betrayed and treated unfairly… I will not give up. I will keep trying after failing. I will choose to be happy and to love everyday no matter what. I WILL CHOOSE TO RISE ABOVE MY FEARS AND INSECURITIES AND LIVE THE LIFE I KNOW I AM CAPABLE OF LIVING.

I have learnt the power of forgiveness. Of releasing myself because I hurt more when I don’t forgive. It’s not easy but, I think I’m getting there.

I am happy with myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I love what and who I see. I have learnt to look beyond the physical things and search within. I love my heart… I AM IN LOVE WITH WHO I AM AND WHO I SEE MYSELF BECOMING. I love that my passion for helping people is still very much alive.

I love cooking. Just leave me in a clean kitchen with my music and allow me work my magic. Well my magic doesn’t extend to AMALA and family. That is punishment and my mum has punished me enough. *note to future hubby in case you are reading this. Gracias :)*

My relationship with God is growing but there are days like now, that I avoid talking to him for unexplainable reasons. I love how he loves me and how he has taught me valuable lessons and even let me see songs in my trials. It’s amazing to have this confidence that no matter what ‘ALL WILL BE WELL’ just because, you have this being with a necessary existence. I have had more days than before that all I see is Gratitude. Why this God still blesses me and loves me even when I don’t deserve it. MY NEW CHURCH … #deepsigh. God has a way of setting your foot where he knows you will grow. 

Have I told you about my beautiful niece? MY GOD! Talk about perfection and Shikemi’s name will be mentioned. Her smile… seriously guys, I kid you not when I say HER SMILE CAN MAKE YOU FORGET FOR DAYS WHATEVER PROBLEMS YOU HAVE. 

I love talking; especially to intelligent people. For me, your look doesn’t matter as much as your brain. Of course, there will be an attraction to a fine guy but, it’s your mind that makes me stay. I am not so good at making and keeping friends. But, I’m kind of happy to say while you are in my life, I can be a pretty good friend and if you are really worth fighting for, I will try almost everything I can not to lose you.

I really want you to know that I feel so encouraged by your comments on some posts and even just knowing someone is reading it and someone might get inspired. It’s an amazing feeling to know you are not living a life of ‘self’ and you are doing something to contribute to someone’s life. You all keep me writing and I will forever be grateful.

Vulnerability is one of the most beautiful things ever. I’m not there yet; some still say I’m proud but, I’m getting there. Though there are days I think, ‘Is pain worth it?’ I know better. Pain builds love; pain builds friendship; pain builds joy.

About waking up tomorrow and finding out I can’t write, it’s time to get rid of that fear. I have been writing more than I had in the past and I’m sure I still have more than a story left in me.

                                   ***

“We live in chapters”~unknown

Everyone has layers sweetie! Embrace the layer your being is showing now and hey, we all have winnings and losses, fears and overcoming of those fears. So raise your head up high and smile. You are not alone J

                                                        Love,

          Mayowa.