smile no matter what :)

Hello guys!! Happy Easter:) I know its late and happy holiday in general. I hope you had a good one. Mine was amazing.

Okay... on to today's post. Hmmm! This is one of my personal favourites. It is written by someone that is courageous. Someone that is letting her past inspire her to be better. someone that has allowed Jesus take her ashes and give her his beauty. I am happy for the turn her life is taking and i'm excited about where God is taking her. Dont forget to share and you can follow me on twitter @matey scott. Have a beautiful week.

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Smile!!! Many times I share the briefest smile because it’s easier to hide behind a smile than come out straight with those close to heart and a times myself. But, I’m tapping into the power of release so I will share something’s with you.

  I don't want you to know that I was not happy about my life for a really long time. I don't always feel good about myself. I'm afraid of condemnation and also, I'm afraid of the future. I was also full of self pity. Each time, I become anxious about what tomorrow holds simply adding the problems designed for tomorrow to that of the day. I cry because, I feel my skin is not good enough. I try my possible best to look good but, still I don't feel good about my body. I might laugh and be happy during the day or when I’m with people but, when it’s just me, I unconsciously remember something’s. This remembrance has made crying every night habitual. I got neglected and abused at any relationship I found myself in because of that, I battle with a low self esteem most times, and I’m also full of regrets. I can't express myself properly even when I have something to say because, I cannot speak good English. This is because I don’t really have an educational background. I also find it hard to face the crowd because I feel no one will listen to me. 

I suffered rejection from my parent’s. When I remember that my mother took me to a married Alhaji at my tender age just for money, and left me at a stranger’s house, I become filled with anger and hatred towards her. I mean, I was abused sexually until I was able to find my way out all by myself. When my mother heard that I ran out of the Alhaji's house, she said to me that: "you are a child that brings me sadness". So she neglected and abandoned me to suffer alone. These are things I might ordinarily not tell you but, at least I can admit it to myself that I don’t care much for my mother. What I however find hard to admit to myself and obviously to you is that, I find it difficult to forgive her for all she made me go through in life. I don’t want you to know that my father tried to marry me off to a man that already had three wives all for the sake of money. My refusal made him dislike me and honestly, the feeling is mutual.

  

I have never told anyone this save a friend but, I’m going to let it out and don’t you dare judge me. I was once in an abusive relationship with a control freak that made TWO attempts on my life. I got out after careful planning as he would have killed me if he knew of my plans to leave him. The main reason I’m telling you this is that, if I got out, YOU CAN DEFINITELY GET OUT. 

I don't want you to know that I'm afraid of getting married. Ever since my heart was broken by someone I cared about and also worked hard to see fulfill his dreams, I haven’t been able to love the way I loved him. We were together for NINE freaking years and he betrayed me just like that. Left me and well, he took my emotions and feelings with him (it doesn’t only happen in movies lol). I get easily tired of any relationship I am in because, I simply cannot love the way I could with him even when I try. It’s amazing how one’s heart can become very strong and rigid after a serious heart break.

One other thing I don't want you to know that I'm scared of pregnancy having being through a series of abortion. I'm scared I won't be able to get pregnant or it might be really difficult. I am also scared of being a mother because, I fear I might turn out like my mum and I really do not want to be like her. 

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I want you to know that ever since my uncle took me to my grandma’s place at the age of 1, my Grandma provided for me in the little way she could. I will forever be grateful to her for the love she showed me which I never in a lifetime thought possible.

I have dreams and I have faced challenges while trying to actualize some. But, those challenges have only propelled me. I didn’t really know what I wanted for my life at a younger age, but I was determined to be something and not end up like my mother. So I trained myself through primary school because my grandma was unable to afford it and my parents did not care enough. I told you I face challenges right?! Here are some of them: I am still struggling with my O'levels. I work for five days a week so I don’t really have time to study. I am afraid to close my eyes most times during the day and night because I have terrible nightmares. I fear that I am not good enough, strong enough and worthy enough to have the dreams I have. So these holds me back a lot from reaching out and going after what I know I am capable of. Money is also a major challenge but I am learning to look beyond what I don’t have and start making use of the resources I have (no pun intended). Before I became a Christian, the circumstances I found myself in and the challenges I faced plunged me into months of depression. I was in this dark hole and it seemed like there was no getting out. So I took to smoking, drinking of alcohol, sexual addiction to numb the pain. But, those things never really numb anything. Your reality is still waiting for you until you do something about it. Being a Christian doesn’t mean my journey is not a times difficult but, it’s easier knowing someone is journeying along with me.

Life is short! Our problems and challenges automatically look bigger than GOD when we focus on them. I want you to know that I now know my life and joy are my responsibilities .The moment Joy is lost, life becomes boring, Christianity becomes ritualistic, the race becomes uninteresting and that is why I need to keep my Joy despite the challenges because, I will win this race; I am a winner. Whatever challenges or difficulty I come across on this race, must only be seen as a passage to my promised land. 

I am happy to tell you that, I have let go of my negative habits and I have embraced positive habits for a new ME to emerge. I have seen the importance of true friendship. A good friend who is not only aware of the challenges I am facing and not only encourages me but, also provides the strength I need to keep marching on. I have found such a friend who has being a source of inspiration to me. She never gives up on me; she keeps encouraging me to challenge myself. Even when I feel depressed, she says something silly but encouraging to gear me on. I'm happy she is a part of this journey of my life.

When we forgive, we receive forgiveness from GOD. Forgiveness also takes away anger, pain and guilt. It hasn’t been easy but, I have learnt to love my parent; I have found something good to love about them. I still struggle with forgiving them but, I’m getting there because I understand forgiveness does more for me than for them. So maybe its selfish but, I don’t really care. Everyone has admirable and detestable characters but, choose to find and focus on the things you can like about your parent. 

I am having a prolonged education but, I assure you I won’t give up until I have those degrees I have always dreamt about. I know the importance of education and I am not going to let ‘AGE’ deter me. I WILL CONTINUE. EVEN IF I FAIL, I WILL NOT GIVE UP BECAUSE FAILURE IS A STEPPING STONE TO MY SUCCESS. 

My smile is gradually changing from one that just masks my pains, hurt and the likes to a genuine one. I have recently discovered this deep well of joy that is within my soul. I AM HAPPY WITH WHAT MY LIFE IS BECOMING. Like a pastor said, “YOU CAN NEVER BE BETTER WHEN YOU ARE BITTER” SMILE EBEBE!!! SMILE BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I WANT YOU TO KNOW IS THAT, I HAVE SALVATION. I look at the life I lived( I didn’t take responsible for my life on time and blamed my parents for a really long time) and I wonder how he still accepts me. His word is true because, it is evidenced that he loved me first even before I could love myself not to talk of him. The marriage fear will not stop me from settling down with a man that will make me love God more every day and I’m getting to that point where I will look at my body and be happy and grateful.

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“WE EACH CREATE THE LIFE WE WANT. PEOPLE, EVENTS INFLUENCE US BUT, THEY DO NOT DECIDE ANYTHING REGARDING OUR LIVES, WE ARE IN CHARGE AND WHEN WE REALISE THAT, WE SHOULD STEP UP TO THE CHALLENGE.” ~ Mayowa Depo-Oyedokun.

Let Forgiveness heal your heart as I’m letting it heal mine. It’s your life, so take responsibility for it and darling, it’s never too late.

                                                        WITH Love, Ebebe.