YOU'VE GOT ME RIGHT? RIGHT?

I know that look all too well. I was given the look when my dad died five years ago, when his family members kicked my mum and I out and we had nowhere to go. I was given that look a week ago. Infact, I have been getting that look for the past two years since my graduation from Obafemi Awolowo University. My mum had to literally till the land to sponsor me. The same look I got from the Doctor that diagnosed my mum with ovarian cancer. I had a plan; none of these was part of it…

Is it all a game to you?

Remember when I was little, I was convinced you had got me though my brother had just died. I’m not so sure anymore.

I had hit rock bottom and I cried. I cried when they told me my qualifications were good but there were no available slots; I cried when the bank refused to loan me money for my mum’s treatment.

I willed tears not to come rushing to my eyes because I know you’ve got this…You’ve got me right?

                   Yet I cried….

I cried because, that was my way of telling you to help me right now! right here!

Should I tell you what happened? Of course I don’t need to…you were there when the gang of boys raped me.

You were there when I kicked and kicked and finally gave in.

Threw my hands in the air as a way of telling the opponent I’m done.

I have given up the fight

Do whatever you may; I’m just done .

So I sat staring at the wall with a thousand thoughts running through my mind

But one dominated them all; what is your game plan?

Show me your game plan please…so I can at least make sense of what’s going on

That’s how I deal; it’s how I can wake up tomorrow and still do something.

I’m not used to this; To living in oblivion

To not being in control; To not knowing

That’s funny, isn’t it?! I talk to you and tell you to take control most times.

I wonder if I really mean it when I ask you.

You see, I need to know the game plan.

I need to know the purpose for the road bumps, for the chest pains, for the heart ache…

I need you to give me a good reason as to why you would allow these when you could have easily prevented them

But, you are not one to explain yourself, now are you?

              OBA TI KO SHE BI LEJO…

           You’ve got me right? Right?

I remember when I had heart aches like this and it felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

It felt like there was no beauty in just having a life.

Remember then?

You held me…

I resisted because, I felt I was strong enough and I could do this on my own.

You know how I like feeling strong even though inside, I’m so weak and vulnerable; of course you know. You formed me

You held me and didn’t let go; not when I kicked, barked, bit

You just held me and told me you’ve got me

Pardon me for my stubbornness and my forgetfulness

Pardon me for resisting yet again…it’s one of the things I do best

I will have to admit it to you; at times it’s hard

It’s hard not letting it get to me

It’s hard not crying and asking questions already answered

It’s hard fighting even when I see you fighting for me

It’s so hard but, isn’t that why you asked me to lay my burdens on your chest?

Isn’t that why you tell me to take your yoke which is light?

Isn’t that why you said you won’t leave me comfortless?

Because, you know it can be really hard

Though I know the things you said; I know your ways are not my ways, I still walk out on us because, I can’t for the life of me understand your ways.

Will you ask for my hand in marriage again?

Because my answer will be YES! YES! YES!     

I WILL MARRY YOU!!

When I’m pregnant and the weight is too much for me to carry,

When I don’t understand myself and can’t comprehend what’s going on,

When I don’t like the morning sickness and swollen feet,

Help me to remember it’s only for a while

Help me to remember that stories will be borne out of this pregnancy

When I scoff and shout ; when I cry, curse, withdraw

        You’ve still got me right? Right?

So I will listen to your still small voice even though my sorrows are threatening to drown it

    “ I have got you”

You’ve got me right?

Always right? Even if I forget tomorrow and see only the darkness

You will remind me right? I will be strong enough to fight right?

You said it… " i have got you".