The necessary gender

“ Woman must not accept; she must challenge. She must not be awed by that which has been built around her; she must reverence that woman in her which struggles for expression”~ Margaret Sanger.

November 14, 2010. My mum sat me down on her bed. She said to me…..

Morenikeji I want to tell you a story that has been told across generations. My mother told it to me and her mother the same and so on. It’s a story that my mother told with such a passion and conviction I never thought it needed to be questioned. But, I wish I challenged the story at some point. There is no point crying over spilled milk so that’s why I feel I should tell you the story so when you are someday telling your own children the story, the ending will be different.

I listened intently. Although I had no idea of what my mother was about to say, I felt sick because it looked like she wanted me to be responsible for a change in history that has existed even before she was born. How old it is thus making it scarier for me to deal with. But I will listen anyway. After all, she is my mother and she has never misled me….

My mother was sad when the midwife told her she had given birth to a girl. It was not because she didn’t want me but because she was afraid my father wouldn’t want me. There was a stigmatization attached to having a female child worse than not being a virgin before marriage. My father accepted me but not fully. From a young age, it was sounded in my ear that I was not important. I was inferior and I was to serve and respect any male child regardless of the age. I was not to talk when a male was talking. I didn’t go to school. Well none of the female children in the village went to school even though some of us were smarter than the boys. “School is a waste of money since you will get married soon. Besides, your roles end at the kitchen with you satisfying your husband and taking care of your children. You are to satisfy your husband sexually and it’s almost a sin for you to be satisfied. You don’t have a voice in society and you never will. My father often said to me. Don’t take it personally Olapeju… that’s just how things are and will always be”. Whenever I cried and ran to my mother, she would shout at me and tell me to wipe my tears. Olapeju come and help me in the kitchen, she would say to me. It’s in the kitchen you can make your mark in life so come and learn omo mi so you would one day make a proud wife. At age 16, suitors were already coming to ask for my hand in marriage. That was the norm and though I felt I needed to see the world, truth is, I was still a girl and tradition was tradition.

I looked at my mother and tried to imagine how she must have felt. Being discriminated against from a young age because of her gender. She interrupted my thoughts….

This is no longer the 19th century because I see women now like Maya Angelou, Oprah Winfrey being celebrated because they have a voice in society. Times have really changed but the position of women has not so much as changed. The society is still largely a patriarchal one. Although, birth of a girl child is no longer seen as a stigma in most parts of the world, girls are still enslaved.They forget too easily that God created us in the same image. Moreover, we are to support our men and not be treated like puppets on a string. We are still considered inferior to men although not loudly spoken. The society says there is equality now and there is no longer gender discrimination. But these are nonsense on stilts I tell you Morenikeji. A woman still has to work twice as hard as a man to be recognized in the society. Girls are still been given out in marriage against their will even before they are mature. In some parts of the world, the 19th century is still the 19th century for women. Yes! Now we are allowed to be educated. Yes! Now we are allowed to have a career. Yes! Now we are allowed to dream and have adventures but most of us are still not given equal respect. Most of us with all the degrees in the world still end up being referred to as the "underdogs". Its our cross to bear we are made to believe. How very convenient! I once read something that says; women can fly to the moon and back. But they will still have to do the house chores when they come back. How funny but true that statement is.

Morenikeji! They will tell you, you are weak by nature. Yes it is true. But you are never as strong as when you are weak. You are caring by nature and that’s what’s making ways for you. That’s what makes you such an important person. Don’t you ever think you are inferior. Don’t you ever forget not to be a fool while you love. You are not a sexual object. You are not to be a punching bag just so a man will feel like he has balls. you deserve to be happy because you are a girl.

My mother comes close to me and holds my hands so tightly yet tenderly. I could feel the energy pass from her to me and I could see the regrets yet hope in her eyes. Regrets for all the women that died without been celebrated. Hope for the girls that will grow into women and change history completely. I am one of the girls that will sit my children down and tell them a different story coined from this one….

The world is lucky to have you. You have so much worth, you prevent the extinction of the human race. You hold the world together with the contents of your heart. You make the men that are fighting for the marriage and slavery of a girl child. Don’t you ever forget how important you are to the world. You can be whatever you want to be. Just keep dreaming and keep working towards achieving the dreams with a grateful heart no matter the obstacles. You are a girl and that alone is enough reason for you to be celebrated.