Entry 7... A picture of me

Hey! I am a short girl that can have a really sharp mouth. A girl that likes you to look at her and see the things that are well for her and not the things are going wrong and have gone wrong with her. But, there are more beneath my small cat-like eyes, my atimes full smile and my tiny voice. 

         I will rather you think I don’t have image issues and actually, For as long as I can remember, I have been comfortable in my skin. Although there were times I felt lesser when I looked at some people’s pictures but, that feeling was shaken off almost immediately. For a few weeks now, I have been battling with a weight delusion. I am a size six so I am neither skinny nor fat however, I have been feeling fat and my skin is starting to irk me. I am not exactly experiencing a low self esteem; I am just feeling less beautiful in a lot of areas.

Lately, some people I didn’t know on a personal level but felt a connection towards died. I cried when I heard my mum’s best friend’s sister died. Honestly, I don’t know why I cried. Perhaps because my mum was so sad or because she was already getting better and a lot of money was spent on her treatment. I have been writing about death (none are published) more than I have in the past. It has just hit home for me and I am afraid of ‘how it will be’ when it’s my turn. Yes, I’m probably too young to bother my head about things like that but, my mind wonders about it once in a while since the past months. ‘Will I lose my life to cancer, an accident or something totally horrible? Or live a short life?” That also makes me wonder what will be said about me and if I will die after living the life I know I am capable of.

This leads to some of the biggest fears I have. “WILL I HAVE LIVED A FULFILLED LIFE BY THE TIME I DIE?” … I am scared of failing in all spheres of my life. I am scared of failing myself, my family and the world at large. I am also scared of succeeding. I love success but, I wonder if it will change me to someone I won’t recognize in a negative way when the success is a lot. I’m scared I might see a less need for God and I am scared I will stop trying after succeeding. I will be too caught up in nonsense and might see less value in people. “WILL I HAVE TOUCHED THE LIVES OF MANY?” I love helping people see the best in them.  But, will I be too caught up with life happenings to help people?! Will I be financially, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically stable enough years from now to still help people and more importantly, will the terrible happenings in life make me stop seeing the best in people?! “WHAT IF I LIVE AN UNHAPPY LIFE?” … 

Some people say I’m proud (proud in the form having a big ego). But, it’s disguised pride. I am a vulnerable child that hides all that vulnerability beneath walls mis-interpreted as pride. I don’t like you to know I miss you even if I really do because for me, knowing means you sort of have a hold over me. Knowing makes you important and I don’t want you to think you are that important. I don’t like pain; nobody does. So it will take me time to let you get close to me. It will take me years to let you see almost all of me because I don’t think I can ever let you see all of me. I don’t like pain and when it’s not as it used to be or as it should be, when you leave or do things that make me question my sanity for letting you in, its pain. 

I can’t stand dirt. It’s bad because a times, my day can be ruined when everything is not arranged and tidy. I toned down on the cleanliness thing for a bit but now, it’s getting bad again. So I don’t want you to know I have this problem and I literally can’t stand it when things are not organized and sparkling. It’s worse that I am hard to please and I can really be a control freak. No, I do not have obsessive compulsive disorder.

I AM NOT STRONG. Contrary to what I have been told, I am a disguised chicken that tries to put on a smile so you won’t ask me ‘what is wrong?’ There are days when happiness is unachievable for me no matter how hard I try. There are days when I cry for the silliest reasons and I feel so alone even when I am surrounded by people.

I often wonder if I will be courageous enough to fight for what is right assuming I don’t lose sight of what is right or if I will turn my bold voice to tiny whispers and just roll with the crowd.

This is something I might never have told anyone but, here it is …There are days I really wish I am not a deep thinker; I am a very social person and I can easily relate with just anyone. I see some of my friends who are able to party really hard, able to talk to anyone, do things without thinking too much about it or looking at the moral and religious aspects and I become jealous … “why can’t I just make-out with anyone? Why can’t I just dress anyhow? Why is sex a big deal to me?” But, I’m happy I see sex as a big deal and I only hope it will remain a big deal until a ring is put on this beautiful finger.

The biggest fear I presently have is losing my writing ability. There are some days I ask myself, ‘do I have one more story in me?!’ I often wonder if my work is good enough for people to read. My blog or writing talent is just a waste; nobody gets inspired. I read some people’s stories or articles and I think, “Will I ever be that good?” “Do I have what it takes to be that good?”

***

I am screaming and I hope you can hear me … I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP. Not when I’m surrounded by failure and disappointment. Not when I have been betrayed and treated unfairly… I will not give up. I will keep trying after failing. I will choose to be happy and to love everyday no matter what. I WILL CHOOSE TO RISE ABOVE MY FEARS AND INSECURITIES AND LIVE THE LIFE I KNOW I AM CAPABLE OF LIVING.

I have learnt the power of forgiveness. Of releasing myself because I hurt more when I don’t forgive. It’s not easy but, I think I’m getting there.

I am happy with myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I love what and who I see. I have learnt to look beyond the physical things and search within. I love my heart… I AM IN LOVE WITH WHO I AM AND WHO I SEE MYSELF BECOMING. I love that my passion for helping people is still very much alive.

I love cooking. Just leave me in a clean kitchen with my music and allow me work my magic. Well my magic doesn’t extend to AMALA and family. That is punishment and my mum has punished me enough. *note to future hubby in case you are reading this. Gracias :)*

My relationship with God is growing but there are days like now, that I avoid talking to him for unexplainable reasons. I love how he loves me and how he has taught me valuable lessons and even let me see songs in my trials. It’s amazing to have this confidence that no matter what ‘ALL WILL BE WELL’ just because, you have this being with a necessary existence. I have had more days than before that all I see is Gratitude. Why this God still blesses me and loves me even when I don’t deserve it. MY NEW CHURCH … #deepsigh. God has a way of setting your foot where he knows you will grow. 

Have I told you about my beautiful niece? MY GOD! Talk about perfection and Shikemi’s name will be mentioned. Her smile… seriously guys, I kid you not when I say HER SMILE CAN MAKE YOU FORGET FOR DAYS WHATEVER PROBLEMS YOU HAVE. 

I love talking; especially to intelligent people. For me, your look doesn’t matter as much as your brain. Of course, there will be an attraction to a fine guy but, it’s your mind that makes me stay. I am not so good at making and keeping friends. But, I’m kind of happy to say while you are in my life, I can be a pretty good friend and if you are really worth fighting for, I will try almost everything I can not to lose you.

I really want you to know that I feel so encouraged by your comments on some posts and even just knowing someone is reading it and someone might get inspired. It’s an amazing feeling to know you are not living a life of ‘self’ and you are doing something to contribute to someone’s life. You all keep me writing and I will forever be grateful.

Vulnerability is one of the most beautiful things ever. I’m not there yet; some still say I’m proud but, I’m getting there. Though there are days I think, ‘Is pain worth it?’ I know better. Pain builds love; pain builds friendship; pain builds joy.

About waking up tomorrow and finding out I can’t write, it’s time to get rid of that fear. I have been writing more than I had in the past and I’m sure I still have more than a story left in me.

                                   ***

“We live in chapters”~unknown

Everyone has layers sweetie! Embrace the layer your being is showing now and hey, we all have winnings and losses, fears and overcoming of those fears. So raise your head up high and smile. You are not alone J

                                                        Love,

          Mayowa.